In order to accept every aspect of your complete, imperfect and vulnerable human self – including any ‘bad’, disappointing, impermanent, ageing, ugly and painful aspects – you need self-compassion. A basic definition of self-compassion is mindful self-care – the practice of treating yourself with kindness and understanding, fostering a sense of emotional self-support. In practice this may look like having an early night when tired or making yourself a wholesome meal when you need it – and even if it is just for you.

Being kind to ourselves and treating ourselves with wise-minded and supportive care may not come naturally to us all.  But cultivating this skill is possible and important.  It is a much-needed tool for self-acceptance and self-mastery.  Self-compassion is essential to a healthy relationship with yourself, and even a work in progress version of self-compassion will bring you considerable wellbeing benefits.

Our ability for self-compassion is defined by our capacity for:

  • Mindfulness
  • Self-kindness, and
  • A sense of connectedness to others.

Understanding self-compassion and the role it plays in your ability for self-acceptance is key. Developing this skill and some tools for it serves all three of the pillars of self-mastery for real wellness.

Mindfulness skills for self-compassion

To be kind to ourselves and recognise that our perceived failings or difficult experiences are indeed human and shared, we first need mindfulness skills. It’s crucial that we notice when we’re beating ourselves up, judging ourselves, and feeling down. Mindfulness allows us to be open and curious about our experiences to pick up on opportunities for self-compassion. If we’re not mindful, then we may not even notice when we’re being hard on ourselves. If we do not notice we are being hard on ourselves we may treat ourselves poorly – whether conscious punishment or to avoid our discomfort. Chronic poor self-care results in low self-worth and fosters a negative personal view, not to mention unhealthy behaviors and poor health outcomes.

their self-worth and self-view. These states are conducive to healthy and helpful self-care.

If you’re stumbling through your days mindlessly, it’s difficult to apply self-compassion when you need it.  When the going gets tough, those habits can intensify and make matters worse. Rather than providing yourself with the loving kindness you need to cope, which acts as a critical circuit-breaker, you can end up acting out to punish yourself or escape the harsh judgements. To avoid poor self-care, and fusion with negative mind states, use your mindfulness skills to adaptively address any inner-world discontent.

Self-kindness skills for self-compassion

The kindness aspect of self-compassion is cutting yourself some slack, forgiving yourself for your imperfections, accepting the limitations of being human and recognising that although you may try and care, you may not always achieve your desired outcomes. It is kind to recognise that part of being human is being a work in progress, and that there are certain experiences you may not be able to control or change, such as unpleasant thoughts and emotions or difficult urges.

Connecting with others for self-compassion

The connection aspect of self-compassion starts with the awareness that humans are social animals and we all experience suffering. Yet all too often, people remain isolated and alone in their struggles.  Shame thrives in isolation, so it’s a terrible pity we don’t connect more during our challenges. A lot of suffering from shame would be avoided if we could be braver and more vulnerable about who and how we are.

The truth is that all humans struggle, and none of us is ‘together’ – whether we acknowledge this or not.  No one has it all, can be it all, nor does it all.  As humans we are fundamentally flawed and that is okay.  We are not perfect.  We are all just human beings, being human.

Being human can be difficult to manage. We all make slips, stuff up, let ourselves down and misbehave. Why? Because we aren’t gods or robots. Being human is unavoidably painful. Life is impermanent. Loss is a given: we’re constantly faced with a need to let go of people, things, or situations as we go through life, and this can be deeply painful when attached. It’s a human thing to do, attach to stuff we care about. Remembering you’re not alone in your struggle, pain, and humanness is key to self-compassion and cultivates a sense of connectedness, acceptance, forgiveness, and peace, all of which help us to cope during tough times. We’re all in this together, and we’re all only – and only ever going to be – wholly human.

A simple self-compassion practice I turn to as a tool to cope during moments of pain is to recite to myself:

  • “This is a moment of pain” (I recognies with mindfulness the moment of pain).
  • “We all have this” (I remember that pain is a shared human experience).
  • “I will be kind to myself” (I commit to an act of self-kindness).

Self-compassion is being able to skillfully navigate your way through challenge to treat yourself well. Inevitably, if you act beyond what is easy and get out of you comfort zone then you face challenge, stress, and fear. This is normal. Use your self-compassion skills to remember that to get you through in a loving and connected way.

Self-compassion is the buffer needed to cope with our ordinary human flaws and weaknesses, which we all have and need to manage. Individually, much of our behaviour is driven by subconscious triggers that we may never understand or have control over. Some philosophers argue that as humans we do not have free will or that we have it to a limited extent. Kindly reminding yourself that as a human you’re naturally limited in your self-control and habits is helpful.More often than not, our behavioural issues are deeply painful because we believe they’re ours alone, and we misperceive them as evidence of our character flaws, that we are failures or unlovable or <insert your core belief and schema wounds here>. But the administration of self-kindness alongside an acknowledgement that you are human can break that negative loop, allows you to pause, reset and to adjust your behaviour. This self-compassionate approach permits us to step aside long enough from our shame to look at what’s painful so we can address it head on.

Whether you have a habit you’ve been unsuccessful in kicking or there’s an ability you long to have but can’t seem to acquire or improve on, there are a host of opportunities on any given day to negatively judge ourselves. If you struggle with self-compassion, you can be left feeling depleted following a day’s worth of relentless criticism and then vulnerable to poor or inadequate self-care.

The difference between someone who suffers through life versus someone who navigates it successfully is, in part, self-compassion. Don’t underestimate the power of leading by example. If we could all model self-compassion for those around us, the world would be a more peaceful place.