When we talk about values, we are talking about traits, qualities or characteristics. Commonly held values include honesty, kindness, generosity, and fun: these are positive attributes, things we value. Your values are your internal anchor. They guide you on how to be, and how to carry yourself through your life. They are your purpose in life.
Values are your journey, not your destination. They create the architecture of your life path, the direction towards your end point. They inform the ways in which we fill our fleeting lives, our soul’s expression. They’re not a task to be achieved. Rather, they’re how you’re living your life while life is going along. Many people misunderstand the concept of values, seeing them as pastimes to take up or things to acquire. But they’re neither. You cannot dabble in values or buy them from a shop – they are the way you conduct yourself as you shop and partake in activities.
All of us have values – we absorb them from society, culture, and family into our inner world. They may change over time, and we can choose them – your chosen values are how you wish to treat others and yourself – but we may not be conscious of this aspect of ourselves or even have considered it before. If you cannot name your values, then you don’t fully know yourself, what you stand for, or how you hope to behave and treat others. Tuning in to your values is an important element of developing self-awareness.
Your values contribute to your experience of living. Living aligned to your values brings worth and purpose to your existence. Without an astute and current awareness of your values, you are more likely to find yourself lacking a sense of meaning to your life. So, I’m sure you can see why identifying your values is a huge part of real wellness.
Identifying your values takes conscious consideration and continual reflection. When I run wellness retreats, no matter the cohort, I aways speak to this and dedicate time in the schedule for values reflection, as it is so beneficial to our wellbeing to do so. I find that people are often not able to name their values until they go to the effort, but are always grateful to discover what they might be.
We may have a surprising mixture of values across the various domains of our life and our different roles. A person’s values as a parent may be completely different to those they have as a friend or partner. It’s useful to list all the hats you wear and roles you play in your life and identify your top values for each of these. I value being a predictable and loving mum, a fun and supportive partner, and a calm, compassionate, humble and conscientious physician.
Once you’ve identified – and maybe added to – your values, you can focus on living in alignment with them. The biggest payoff is that living a value-fueled life – no matter what your circumstances are – is conducive to contentment, meaning and purpose.
The commitment to live in accordance with your values informs how you carry yourself in times of challenge. Even on a day that is derailed by unpleasantness, if I have shown up as the person I wish to be, then I can sleep at night content in the knowledge that I did my best and the day had value and meaning.
For inspiration on leaning into your values to create a life of meaning and purpose, I recommend reading the masterpiece Man’s Search For Meaning by psychiatrist and holocaust survivor Professor Viktor Frankl. He endured extreme adversity and loss of rights and states, ‘everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.’ His key message was that embodying your values is a birthright. No-one can rob you of your ability to choose how you respond to the world. Even though all control was taken from him and he endured years of unimaginable hardship, including witnessing horrific acts, Frankl was able to maintain a sense of meaning and purpose to his life by embodying his values and acting the way he chose for himself – with dignity, kindness, and respect. That power fuelled his determination to survive.
Another source of inspiration comes from traditional Japanese culture, where the concept of ikigai (pronounced ee-kee-guy) is taught to promote optimal wellbeing. Ikigai is regarded as a universal experience open to all humans and is attained when a person’s spiritual needs are met and they’re living a life filled with purpose and meaning. Although the term is difficult to translate into English, and its definition is hard to pin down, most practitioners agree ikigai is our reason for existing, living and waking up each day. It may involve a particular hobby or activity, or time spent doing something.
For me, what shines through is that this state is attained when people live aligned with their values and their actions embody their values. Values-driven activity cultivates purpose and meaning to our life. And a life of purpose and meaning is a life of real wellness.
One of the hallmarks of ikigai is that to be well we must consider how we are – not just what we do. What a person does – apart from unethical choices – matters less to their wellbeing than the way they do it. If you focus a little energy on the way you make others feel, the way you carry yourself, and less on kicking goals for optimal wellbeing, and then behave in line with your desires, you may notice you feel proud of yourself.
Values serve as an internal compass, or decision-making guide, pointing you in life directions that are most likely to work for you. In modern-day Western culture, we can be overwhelmed by options. Many ‘First World’ problems stem from too much choice. How do you decide on whether to spend an hour comforting your friend who’s just broken up with their partner or going out with workmates for drinks, your career direction, or where to live? A young person may be unsure about whether to have kids, worried about whether they would cope with the sleep deprivation and doubting their abilities and competence as parents. But if they value family and value being in loving, nurturing relationships, then any stress, sacrifice or challenge that comes with the role will be counterbalanced by the fulfilment it brings them to embody these. If they’re able to be loving as a parent, it will likely be a satisfying experience in the end, no matter how tired they may be.
For many people, myself included, indecisiveness can be paralysing. Having too much choice can contribute to a sense of uncertainty around the future. If you can learn to reflect on your values to help guide your choices and actions, then the path forward becomes clearer. This approach to life problems also works well for getting through times of uncertainty. Whenever you’re stuck or unsure, bring to mind your core values: you’ll soon identify the choices that do and don’t align with them. This is when you’re happy that your internal world sparks action in the external world.
When we live misaligned with our values and we go off path, there will be consequences of some sort. We may develop mental or physical illness, or a sense of dis-ease. During these times we may feel ‘unwell’, stuck, trapped, unsure, and in a rut of sorts. When people come to me reporting that they feel off, even though their physical health is stable and as good as it can be, I have learnt to enquire into their connection to their values. Chances are, they’re not living their life attuned to them.
Rest assured, we’re all flawed and vulnerable human beings. But aiming for values-aligned living or simply being aware of your values is a great first step to achieving the goal of real wellness. I am acutely aware of my values and work towards embodying them each and every day. That is the best any of us can ever do, and there’s meaning and purpose in that.
